Ashes

“He feeds on ashes; a deceived heart has turned him aside. And he cannot deliver himself, nor say, “Is there not a lie in my right hand?” Isaiah 44:20

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. " 2 Corinthians 4:18

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23

There are millions of different human life experiences and life connections. And hundreds of souvenirs we collect along the way. Yet as I watch people move in experiences, or lack thereof, I wonder, however, how the connections and isolation alike, seep into the heart foundation.What becomes our constant source of knowing our worth, or our constant addiction to feel anything at all? This isn’t a question of introvert, extrovert, community or hoarding things to give us a sense of living. This is a question of making any of these our sole source of worth, value, or even joy. This isn't about personality and approaches to life; this is about the wellspring of life. 

So…what happens when the happy moments slip through the fingers like ashes? What happens in pure loss of all that we find value? Hold on tight - may be another loss upon loss. What’s left with any loss? Job loss, spouse loss, relationship loss, kids loss – all of these losses that are common to life and no one is immune. There are the memories and mementos to sustain. Does it work? Does it eradicate the sadness? How’s the foundation of knowing love, acceptance, and joy holding up when loss takes away the connections and addictions of introductions to happiness? It’s not a question of how to grieve, it’s a question of how to truly live in the moment so the heart can retain, but not rely, on all - happy and not - that we soak in. We all want joy and a painless life (which doesn't exist). What does exist is freedom, which far beyond feeling. It's not always happy, but it is freeing.

For relationships, the true heart foundations of connections are essential and bring joy. But connections themselves are not the source of joy. There is not only the seen. There is not only the felt. There is not only the spoken. There are all of these beautiful gifts of connections in life, but they are not the only places of happiness. This is spoken from a recovering co-dependent who spent decades in the “safety” and “joy” of co-dependent relationships. What perfect while in that wonderful shell. Reaching past the seen, into the internal unseen, illuminates the seen life to be lived in all of its glorious fullness of freedom. In other words, all of the seen, all of the spoken, all of the felt is forever drawn from the well of the unseen heart. The heart is the foundation of the house of life – not the other way around. 

This is so much more true today than ever before. In a world that can’t stand silence. In a world relentlessly capitalizing and marketing on pure emotions: love, happiness, even anger. How can we ever hope to treat cancer with a bandage? A bandage doesn’t ultimately heal and internal unseen disease that destroys from within, it covers. Out of sight, out of mind, and on to addictive chasing after “good feelings” or hoping our rage subsides when lashed out onto others. Many have tried internal pain management – and not just addictive substances, lest one start elevating themselves as better people. Pain management may be with more interest in someone else healing (again, horizontal) rather than our own lifelong and often painful journey of heart healing. Surmising that if only our lives were better, we'd be happier. More money. Kids to behave. Spouse to understand. Even church to give us inspiring step by step instructions to self-help with scripture back up. Meanwhile, the wound stays in the dark and we try to behave better so we are more acceptable and maybe, happier. There is no “heal thyself”. We can’t help ourselves; we just can’t. We can makes better decisions and wiser life choices, for sure and absolutely, please do!  But those are results of freedom, not sources of freedom. The greatest help on the heart can only come from Freedom who reaches the heart. We cannot do our own heart surgery. It’s impossible. But we can call a Surgeon. And we have to be willing to be operated on. Not a church. Not a pastor. They aren’t heart surgeons either; none of them. They are Physician’s Assistants, most likely needing surgery themselves, but not Surgeons. 

It’s never about having money, marriage, intelligence, or anything else. It’s about choice. Choice to let go of trying to fill a bottomless well just to escape, to stay still and let Him operate. What do we have to lose? Lies? Bondage? Control? It’s not about better, it’s about free. It’s not selfish, it’s breathing. To open the heart and heal. See the ash - put down the spoon. Always. Idols are real, deceptive, and death under the cover of ultimate living. This isn’t a call to be better. This look in your right hand and ask for a key to be free. All fades into ash. Even ourselves. What remains to blow in the wind is living free to love.

Distraction

"When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it." - Genesis 3:6

"...but few things are needed--or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:42

Distractions are my decisions. Distractions are my directions. Distractions are my destruction.

Humanity’s very break in relationship with Love was born from falling for a distraction. Today, in this moment, is the very same break. This isn’t a revelation from a resolution to rid life of “all distractions.” The distractions themselves aren’t an “evil to be vanquished.” 1. It’s impossible to rid my life of them unless I join a Convent (event then, thoughts are the most resounding distractions of all) 2. The problem isn’t the distraction, it’s my response. For example, I love entertainment whose sole purpose is to temporarily distract from reality – be it movies, music, sports, etc. But when fiction becomes my idol, then addiction becomes my reality. Or when I value what anyone, of entertainment or otherwise, says over what God says, then I'm distracted into idolatry. Again, the garden. Always looking to what fills my desire -temporary to eternity.

YHWH created the tree and the fruit. Knowing the decision of His children and all of the consequences to follow, He could have not created the tree all together and saved us all, especially Himself, the suffering, loss, and unspeakable evil that we now endure. Even with Noah, He lamented not the tree, but creating man whom He passionately loved. But He didn’t remove the tree; He didn’t force obedience. From them and then, to me and now, He creates us to “choose the better.”

For me, distractions are points of habitual re-focusing. Decisions develop into habitual idolatry. They rob me of moments. Staring at molehills while missing majestic mountains. Staring at my phone while missing a person’s presence (this is personal, greatest distraction). Moments that rob me, rob me of you, and rob my relationship with God - the very foundation of all that is and all that I am to begin with. Not my love; my relationship. My choice and my loss. I know the consequence, yet I choose poorly.

It’s an altering in heart’s desires long before it’s choice of button pressing. Consistently and consciously. It’s not even a disobedience or condemnation; it’s a desire and a choice. Just like the Garden. The base of my motives and moving actions is this in the year of new: I don’t resolve to behave better. I resolve to choose the better. I resolve to choose Love.