“The LORD called to the man, “Where are you?” – Genesis 3:9
“The imposter,” wrote Brennan Manning, “is the invention of
a new self that everyone will admire and nobody will know.”
To me, vulnerability had resulted in abandonment. So for
decades, I opted for safety, but not relationship, in burying my heart. I may
not know intimacy, but at least I wouldn‘t be alone. Meanwhile, in my
deception, the isolated heart was ultimately alone: life may be admired, but
the heart wasn’t known. Not even by me. My history told
me that exposure to the light would eventually plunge me into the depths of the
dark. Life is full of lights and darks, but I do choose who I am while the world
swirls around. I chose to hide in plain sight.
Recently, I was face to face with a friend who hides. A few
short years ago, she would talk for hours. Life was better then. Now, silence. The
past year has taken a turn for the worse and losses abounded. Most of all, she
lost herself. Circumstances and consequences plunged her into the depths. So
much so, that she’s effectively held a funeral for her heart and created an
imposter of “positivity” that only responds to the external stimulus of
excitement. So, like an addiction, when the stimulus is gone, she has to search
for new stimulus while her true self waits in silence. She admits in a moment
of brief confession that it’s far too painful and draining to talk about
herself, so she doesn’t. Meanwhile, the imposter is completely exhausting her.
She waits for life weather to change again: surely the sun must emerge from the
storm. And it may. But regardless of the weather outside, she remains locked in
personal prison of shame. If the outside directs the inside, then the shifting
sands erode the foundation of hope, joy and truth.
There is no set formula or steps. There is only a journey for
each to discover. There is a Guide to listen to, or ignore. The Guide is
leading the heart before He leads the life. And the journey is lifelong, not an
arrival.
Through time and trial, I learned what I viewed as abandonment
was mostly protection; just as much their protection as mine. Wonderful people,
but part of the journey was learning that the tighter I hold onto making
temporary eternal, the quicker I lose the joy of the moment forever. Compounded
with my insecurity and tendency toward co-dependency, relationship and revelation
seemed a lost paradise.
None of us come with signs to help in discernment. Which is
why relationship is such a risk. We’re not meant to pre-judge, we’re meant to
journey. We’re meant to discover each other as we are – and we’re not meant for
everyone. Intimacy is not meant for the masses, it’s meant for a select few who
dare knowing the heart and choose to be known. Most of all, I am meant to know
myself before I reveal to anyone else. For the shattered and hiding, this is the
hardest reveal of all. I can bury me to my own daily death, but every hour I suffocate
as I breathe. All the while, air is there, but only I can open the door to let
life in. I risk and I reveal. I embrace rejection as it comes and face the
foundation of love in me.
Vulnerability is no longer the lie of abandonment, but it is
the key to freedom. To be known by a few is paramount to being accepted by the
masses. Through time, I have the blessing of both. Most of all, I have the
foundation of love, no matter the weather of life.
There is a balance of solitude without isolation. It’s not
of personality – introvert, extrovert, etc. It’s a condition and contentment of
the heart in life’s journey. Sometimes we will hide. Sometimes we will emerge.
It’s all part of the journey. There may be secrets from the world, but there is
no shame that isolates me from Love. Shame is shed for love. So, face the false
and embrace the truth. Be loved.
