Mask

“The LORD called to the man, “Where are you?” – Genesis 3:9

“The imposter,” wrote Brennan Manning, “is the invention of a new self that everyone will admire and nobody will know.”

To me, vulnerability had resulted in abandonment. So for decades, I opted for safety, but not relationship, in burying my heart. I may not know intimacy, but at least I wouldn‘t be alone. Meanwhile, in my deception, the isolated heart was ultimately alone: life may be admired, but the heart wasn’t known. Not even by me. My history told me that exposure to the light would eventually plunge me into the depths of the dark. Life is full of lights and darks, but I do choose who I am while the world swirls around. I chose to hide in plain sight.

Recently, I was face to face with a friend who hides. A few short years ago, she would talk for hours. Life was better then. Now, silence. The past year has taken a turn for the worse and losses abounded. Most of all, she lost herself. Circumstances and consequences plunged her into the depths. So much so, that she’s effectively held a funeral for her heart and created an imposter of “positivity” that only responds to the external stimulus of excitement. So, like an addiction, when the stimulus is gone, she has to search for new stimulus while her true self waits in silence. She admits in a moment of brief confession that it’s far too painful and draining to talk about herself, so she doesn’t. Meanwhile, the imposter is completely exhausting her. She waits for life weather to change again: surely the sun must emerge from the storm. And it may. But regardless of the weather outside, she remains locked in personal prison of shame. If the outside directs the inside, then the shifting sands erode the foundation of hope, joy and truth.

There is no set formula or steps. There is only a journey for each to discover. There is a Guide to listen to, or ignore. The Guide is leading the heart before He leads the life. And the journey is lifelong, not an arrival.

Through time and trial, I learned what I viewed as abandonment was mostly protection; just as much their protection as mine. Wonderful people, but part of the journey was learning that the tighter I hold onto making temporary eternal, the quicker I lose the joy of the moment forever. Compounded with my insecurity and tendency toward co-dependency, relationship and revelation seemed a lost paradise.

None of us come with signs to help in discernment. Which is why relationship is such a risk. We’re not meant to pre-judge, we’re meant to journey. We’re meant to discover each other as we are – and we’re not meant for everyone. Intimacy is not meant for the masses, it’s meant for a select few who dare knowing the heart and choose to be known. Most of all, I am meant to know myself before I reveal to anyone else. For the shattered and hiding, this is the hardest reveal of all. I can bury me to my own daily death, but every hour I suffocate as I breathe. All the while, air is there, but only I can open the door to let life in. I risk and I reveal. I embrace rejection as it comes and face the foundation of love in me.

Vulnerability is no longer the lie of abandonment, but it is the key to freedom. To be known by a few is paramount to being accepted by the masses. Through time, I have the blessing of both. Most of all, I have the foundation of love, no matter the weather of life.

There is a balance of solitude without isolation. It’s not of personality – introvert, extrovert, etc. It’s a condition and contentment of the heart in life’s journey. Sometimes we will hide. Sometimes we will emerge. It’s all part of the journey. There may be secrets from the world, but there is no shame that isolates me from Love. Shame is shed for love. So, face the false and embrace the truth. Be loved.