Reject

The LORD is the one who is going ahead of you. He will be with you. He won't abandon you or leave you. So don't be afraid or terrified." – Deuteronomy 31:8

Rejection is a lifelong assault on me; serving as one of my greatest fears/bondages. It’s all around me. It’s exhausting trying to shun rejection at every turn. It’s a useless mind game that benefits no one in any way. Ever. So instead of fighting it, why not acknowledge it and surrender it to “so what?” Embrace the moment to grieve the loss, but not let someone else’s chains become my bondage.

Many times, feeling rejected isn’t even reality, but a mixture of my insecurity and someone else’s oblivious actions. If my friends are close enough to move me, they are close enough to know of my need for communication to calm my confusion. If they aren’t into communication, then a close friendship is not to be known. And yet, most times, the rejection is real. Either way, it’s a thorn to a be trashed.

Rejection stings so horribly because it comes from someone who chose (THEY chose) not to be close, to push themselves to the outer most circle, or dismiss themselves all together from my life. That person essentially stated that who I am is not wanted by them. As much as I strive, I cannot become someone they want. So, it dawned on me: why strive to futility? Why look to change me for them?

At that point, it’s not about their acceptance; it’s about my worth. That’s essentially what I would be striving for: to feel worthy by one who I deeply value, but does not value me no matter what I do. My worth is never dependent on anyone’s acceptance. To not see my worth is their delusion, but it doesn’t have to become mine. Their blindness isn't to be my binding. Their choosing to reject me doesn’t make either of us less valuable and choosing to accept me doesn’t make either of us more worthy. Rejection has me feel more unwanted and acceptance has me feel more desired. But I can’t change my worth to be more or their choice to be different.

Either imagined or real, I’ve learned to embrace the rejection that binds me…so I can be freed to know love. The thorn only bleeds me as long as I let it remain; the balm of one who accepts me heals in love.

To complete my freedom, I need to have a foundation of acceptance that doesn’t fail me – because all fail me. I even fail myself. In fact, the one who rejects me the most is me. There has to be a heart in me that is not corrupted in deceit and only laced with good intentions.  I have to know the heart that experienced more rejection than anyone. Ever. I have to know the heart and love of God that always welcomes, always accepts and always loves. His heart both knows me and welcomes me in constant love. No matter how much I have rejected Him. His heart is the only one that not only accepts me, but teaches me to accept myself and live in discernment toward others. He teaches me to see others in His love alone, so that I don’t reject as I have been rejected. And to love as He loves.

The only way from bondage to freedom is where I focus. Not outward. Not even inward. But upward. The absolute truth of Adonai is the only true place to turn. He’s a help and a hope in a life of uncertain shifting sands. He’s the only one who can define my worth, far more than I can even define and know myself. This is not a formula, but a foundation. Philosophy, psychology, and writings (even this one) of all kinds may offer all kinds of “helps” for knowing personal value and coping with rejection. Yet, only constant love from beyond me can set me free. Lay down the bleeding thorn to be known and loved.

Treasure

Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with Me. Song of Songs 2:10

Every ship, whether grand or humble, belongs on the salty sea. The wooden sides, whether painted or plain, knows days of scorching sun or nights of howling winds. If the railings and fittings be spit shined or rusted through, this is what every land and sea dweller sees the ship on the waves to be. But the real worth is hidden deep within in the chest below. The ship is the carrier; the treasure is her true heart. The Captain stares and caresses her marked metals for hours on end with a smile of joy only she can give him. Her infinite worth is intimately shared between the Captain and ship alone.

The open seas are the most beautiful and treacherous powers on earth. Completely uncontrollable and unpredictable. There is no greater risk than to venture her waves. There will be storms so severe the ship will be battered to splinters. Water will rise and flood her precious life. Frantically and helplessly, she can’t save herself. Wrecked on the rocks and abandoned by companions. She shreds and sinks. Most of all, the very heart of her – the beloved treasure in her chest sinks into the sands of time. Buried in layers of years, the markings once caressed are now corroded. She cannot rise; she can only wait.

There is an intimate connection between a Captain and his ship. He has not forgotten and, quite honestly, not abandoned her. Because she sunk from the sunlight in that fateful wrecking, the ship cannot see that her Captain hovers over her on the waters above. He doesn’t search for her hull broken; he searches for her heart within. He calls out to the treasure – His greatest joy and love. Day and night, he calls and waits for her to hear him and call back. It takes a while to cut through the dark, but the waters that are a barrier become a carrier of his voice. Faintly, she hears him, but is helpless to move toward him. It’s almost cruel: how can he taunt her with love, knowing that she’s helpless to rise to him? Why doesn’t he just come to her? He never expects her treasured heart to rise on her own; he only wants her voice to rise to him for his rescue.

A small shaft of light that cuts through the dark and gently reaches the lock on her chest. His voice resounds her to respond. She doesn’t open up in the dark or shake her timbers free from the sand.  She resounds her response with the humble rumbling of her marked up, corroded metals – “Come” With greater joy than a sunrise after a long, stormy night – He dives to the depths for his desire! The look on his face is sheer joy to recover what appears to be a mess of slivers – but they are his and he longs to carefully clean her up to her true beauty. She sees light; she sees love. Soon, she sees her beauty shimmering with even greater value than even before! Now, the Captain shows the world what only he knew for so long: her true beauty, worth, and value. He still holds her all to himself, while sharing pieces of her beauty to all around – bringing the greatest joy to all. Her.

The treasure is my heart. I have been buried in the depths and tarnished with time. I have been wrecked by storm after storm – more from the inside than out. Whether my outer hulls are plain or painted – depending on what the other ships see – the beauty of heart’s treasure has been hidden deep within – terrified of being lost in a storm. The ship of my exterior may float above, while the heart treasure sinks and corrodes over years of feeling wrecked and abandoned. No one even knows the treasure is lost, much less comes searching. Only the Captain knows, searches, and calls because only He hears the call of my heart. Only He can search, rescue, and restore.

He knows that my heart can’t rise on her own.  And quite honestly, the heart sometimes chooses not to be rescued. The depths, as cold as they are, begin to feel like a refuge. Because when hiding in the dark, the storms can never again rip me apart. So there is a risk to the rescue. There will be storms and I may sink again. So though I may hear His call, I may choose the safety of the dark over the call of the Light. Still He calls because He knows that the only way we can be together and complete our joy is if He dives the depths for me – but I must answer His call for me. I must allow myself to trust and answer Him “Come.”  This is my only true hope, to risk the Light of Revelation to myself, to Him, and to the world. I’m ashamed of my corrosion and ugly state – thinking the rejection from the storm will be the rejection of the heart, which is even worse. But, oh, I don’t know my worth – only the Captain knows and desperately wants me to know. His greatest joy is not only to recover me to Himself but to reveal the true me to me. Beauty is revealed only in the intimacy of the Captain’s touch. True treasure of Us. I rise from the depths to be His.