Reject

The LORD is the one who is going ahead of you. He will be with you. He won't abandon you or leave you. So don't be afraid or terrified." – Deuteronomy 31:8

Rejection is a lifelong assault on me; serving as one of my greatest fears/bondages. It’s all around me. It’s exhausting trying to shun rejection at every turn. It’s a useless mind game that benefits no one in any way. Ever. So instead of fighting it, why not acknowledge it and surrender it to “so what?” Embrace the moment to grieve the loss, but not let someone else’s chains become my bondage.

Many times, feeling rejected isn’t even reality, but a mixture of my insecurity and someone else’s oblivious actions. If my friends are close enough to move me, they are close enough to know of my need for communication to calm my confusion. If they aren’t into communication, then a close friendship is not to be known. And yet, most times, the rejection is real. Either way, it’s a thorn to a be trashed.

Rejection stings so horribly because it comes from someone who chose (THEY chose) not to be close, to push themselves to the outer most circle, or dismiss themselves all together from my life. That person essentially stated that who I am is not wanted by them. As much as I strive, I cannot become someone they want. So, it dawned on me: why strive to futility? Why look to change me for them?

At that point, it’s not about their acceptance; it’s about my worth. That’s essentially what I would be striving for: to feel worthy by one who I deeply value, but does not value me no matter what I do. My worth is never dependent on anyone’s acceptance. To not see my worth is their delusion, but it doesn’t have to become mine. Their blindness isn't to be my binding. Their choosing to reject me doesn’t make either of us less valuable and choosing to accept me doesn’t make either of us more worthy. Rejection has me feel more unwanted and acceptance has me feel more desired. But I can’t change my worth to be more or their choice to be different.

Either imagined or real, I’ve learned to embrace the rejection that binds me…so I can be freed to know love. The thorn only bleeds me as long as I let it remain; the balm of one who accepts me heals in love.

To complete my freedom, I need to have a foundation of acceptance that doesn’t fail me – because all fail me. I even fail myself. In fact, the one who rejects me the most is me. There has to be a heart in me that is not corrupted in deceit and only laced with good intentions.  I have to know the heart that experienced more rejection than anyone. Ever. I have to know the heart and love of God that always welcomes, always accepts and always loves. His heart both knows me and welcomes me in constant love. No matter how much I have rejected Him. His heart is the only one that not only accepts me, but teaches me to accept myself and live in discernment toward others. He teaches me to see others in His love alone, so that I don’t reject as I have been rejected. And to love as He loves.

The only way from bondage to freedom is where I focus. Not outward. Not even inward. But upward. The absolute truth of Adonai is the only true place to turn. He’s a help and a hope in a life of uncertain shifting sands. He’s the only one who can define my worth, far more than I can even define and know myself. This is not a formula, but a foundation. Philosophy, psychology, and writings (even this one) of all kinds may offer all kinds of “helps” for knowing personal value and coping with rejection. Yet, only constant love from beyond me can set me free. Lay down the bleeding thorn to be known and loved.