Mask

“The LORD called to the man, “Where are you?” – Genesis 3:9

“The imposter,” wrote Brennan Manning, “is the invention of a new self that everyone will admire and nobody will know.”

To me, vulnerability had resulted in abandonment. So for decades, I opted for safety, but not relationship, in burying my heart. I may not know intimacy, but at least I wouldn‘t be alone. Meanwhile, in my deception, the isolated heart was ultimately alone: life may be admired, but the heart wasn’t known. Not even by me. My history told me that exposure to the light would eventually plunge me into the depths of the dark. Life is full of lights and darks, but I do choose who I am while the world swirls around. I chose to hide in plain sight.

Recently, I was face to face with a friend who hides. A few short years ago, she would talk for hours. Life was better then. Now, silence. The past year has taken a turn for the worse and losses abounded. Most of all, she lost herself. Circumstances and consequences plunged her into the depths. So much so, that she’s effectively held a funeral for her heart and created an imposter of “positivity” that only responds to the external stimulus of excitement. So, like an addiction, when the stimulus is gone, she has to search for new stimulus while her true self waits in silence. She admits in a moment of brief confession that it’s far too painful and draining to talk about herself, so she doesn’t. Meanwhile, the imposter is completely exhausting her. She waits for life weather to change again: surely the sun must emerge from the storm. And it may. But regardless of the weather outside, she remains locked in personal prison of shame. If the outside directs the inside, then the shifting sands erode the foundation of hope, joy and truth.

There is no set formula or steps. There is only a journey for each to discover. There is a Guide to listen to, or ignore. The Guide is leading the heart before He leads the life. And the journey is lifelong, not an arrival.

Through time and trial, I learned what I viewed as abandonment was mostly protection; just as much their protection as mine. Wonderful people, but part of the journey was learning that the tighter I hold onto making temporary eternal, the quicker I lose the joy of the moment forever. Compounded with my insecurity and tendency toward co-dependency, relationship and revelation seemed a lost paradise.

None of us come with signs to help in discernment. Which is why relationship is such a risk. We’re not meant to pre-judge, we’re meant to journey. We’re meant to discover each other as we are – and we’re not meant for everyone. Intimacy is not meant for the masses, it’s meant for a select few who dare knowing the heart and choose to be known. Most of all, I am meant to know myself before I reveal to anyone else. For the shattered and hiding, this is the hardest reveal of all. I can bury me to my own daily death, but every hour I suffocate as I breathe. All the while, air is there, but only I can open the door to let life in. I risk and I reveal. I embrace rejection as it comes and face the foundation of love in me.

Vulnerability is no longer the lie of abandonment, but it is the key to freedom. To be known by a few is paramount to being accepted by the masses. Through time, I have the blessing of both. Most of all, I have the foundation of love, no matter the weather of life.

There is a balance of solitude without isolation. It’s not of personality – introvert, extrovert, etc. It’s a condition and contentment of the heart in life’s journey. Sometimes we will hide. Sometimes we will emerge. It’s all part of the journey. There may be secrets from the world, but there is no shame that isolates me from Love. Shame is shed for love. So, face the false and embrace the truth. Be loved.

Name

But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. Isaiah 43:1

There is a fun little trend that has evolved over the years to create “connection” through social media: #@. These symbols are placed in front of names to create a “handle.” Yet, increasingly to me, I see these symbols replacing a name. It’s fun and functional and there is absolutely nothing wrong with handles, carry on and connect! This is not at all a call to cease. This is a caution not to replace. The call is never to isolate, but more never to lose identity. To be holy is to be separate, but not irrelevant. In fact, the more we are in holy, the more we are relevant. Know who we are and Whose we are, ultimately.

We often come to the point where we don’t even want identity. We are more comfortable with labels than names. Emotion can be overwhelming when our name is voiced – either in kindness or hatred. If our name is called out in hatred by a parent, authority, or spouse – then we learn to hate our name just like they did. If our name is called out in kindness by a parent, authority, friend, or spouse, then we long to hear our name voiced like the air breathed. The heart is determined by the surroundings instead of the surroundings determined by the heart. All in a name and the heart voicing.

Many are identified by the celebrity of name – mostly in entertainment, sports, and spotlights. Usually, these are predominately first and last names (Jack Nicholson or Kobe Bryant) or simply a first name (Ellen or Hillary). Either way, we all know the person by the highlighted name. Even authors (Stephen King or Joyce Meyer). Bizarre seeing those two names together, right? But yet, they both reach millions by their words – either horror or holy. All you need is a few letters to transport you to emotion. A name.

Christine (Caine) talks often of how her life started identified as a series of numbers instead of a name. Then she was adopted and now is known as Christine. Then she was married and her name changed again. A journey of life, belonging and union marked by a name change. As are millions of others in history.  Then she became a public voice and author, so again, marked by her name to influence. Yet, in the heart of it all, she will tell you: He calls her by name and she is His. Union and Identity is His Name.

Yet, at the heart of it all is a heart of a human. He calls by Name in Love. Everyone from first breath to last; from before to beyond. Earth may give each their name, but the Creator calls us by our true name. All things are new in Him, even our name.

“Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give that person a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to the one who receives it.” Revelation 2:17

Ultimate union is with the Ultimate Name: Yeshua to the Hebrew, Jesus to the Greek. YHWH to All. Name will meld into the Name HE calls me and He calls the one victorious. New name given by the only one who can give. Known instantly by the only one who knows: my heart consummated with His Heart. My name in His Name. Not "Christian": His. 

Know not to get lost in handles, but to live in heart. Know the true heart. Know the true identity. Live in celebration of your name now and in the Name known in Newness of Eternity. Who you are is celebrated: by your Creator Love. By Your earthly loves. So meld into the celebration of Heaven and Earth: know your name and your belonging in Love. 

Invitation

My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  John 14:2

My friend is on vacation and sending me photos of her views. Beautiful scenery: so relaxing and serene. The best part is that she’s at the height of joy with her family. I send back my messages of pure jealousy from my office setting. I am truly thankful for where I am – with my job and life. However, there’s always something about the gorgeousness of the getaway – and the joy of being “with” that makes us passionately long to be in the scene. Almost immediately, she sends back dates with a message: “I’ve booked us a room to be here – just you and me. Are you in?” Suddenly, the dream becomes an invitation. All because my friend said, “I want you to be here with me.”

“Well?” She says, “Are you in?” “Absolutely – I’m in!” It’s sacrifice for both of us, as all things in beauty are, but we are worth the sacrifice to experience the scene together. It’s a ways off in the future, but the reservations are made and the trip is secure. Life will happen in between, but now, there’s a difference to the days: "I want" turned to "I will." Joy settles into the mundane, knowing that by my friend’s invitation and my acceptance, I’m going to be in the scene that’s on my screen.

How much more is the destination that is so amazing it’s indescribable? We all want to be there. We’ve all been invited. But we don’t all accept? What part of the invitation is not understood? Are we too busy looking for fine print to RSVP? The invitation is as clear as crystal; our interpretation is what’s cloudy. The invitation is not an all-expense paid trip for a family of four to soak in the spoils of earth’s glory. It's universally, infinitely more. It's also personal. The invitation is from one to one. The invitation comes with great sacrifice from both. The invitation is bought, each and every one, in the Sender's blood Sacrifice. It’s very real and very unconditional, but acceptance requires Covenant. The ultimate Covenant. The destination, as glorious and beautiful beyond imagination as it is, is not the actual invitation. The invitation is this: “Come Home with Me.”

The invitation is actually a Marriage Proposal: “Be with Me Always.” Literally always. Not because of glorious scenery, but because of Love. Be with Me now, be with Me Always. Betrothal to Christ is complete Covenant that requires sacrifice of pride, control, self – all mud puddles that block an ocean. This is where the invitation is often tragically denied. We would rather settle and deny all our heart truly desires than trust Love. We would rather trust all we see now rather than trust all we don’t see to come. We literally choose the shack of now to the Honeymoon Home of Eternity because at least for now, we hold the keys. Then, in the dark of no one knows where or when, the reality for each one is the keys melt away and the shack melts into the dark. For now, without having any idea of the glorious “with” or the terrifying “without,” the invitation remains from Love: the only One who truly knows where the glory and terror of both. There is no great debate that lays out options to choose from based on speculations: there is only an invitation to true union.

Knowing my invitation from both my Saviour and my friend is answered “Yes, I will” – my days until then are living in the “Yes, I am.” I don’t need to know tomorrow, I just live in today. It sounds so simplified, and it is purposely simple. Knowing that an Oceanside retreat is reserved, I look for the everyday moments to see the unseen. The days are not devoid of beauty; the acceptance of the invitation opens the door for beauty to flood in by faith alone. Here and now. Not on demand, but as reminders of “yes” and “with.” What is truly devoid is only when I deny and beauty fades into the dark of my denial.

All are welcome. The invitation is open. Are you in?

Clean

Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Psalm 51:7

An explosion of black ash. Not a volcano; my espresso machine. My first clue that something was amiss was when it wasn’t brewing espresso. Frustration turned to realization that it was clogged and was protecting me from drinking a polluted beverage. Very polluted. I began the process of applying the cleansing solution and that’s when the blackness erupted. The solution released the clog and poured the blackness that would have been mistaken for goodness, had it not been for the cleansing. It took a few cycles until the water was once again clear and clean. I even looked for replacements, if the cleansing didn’t work. But, thankfully, it did work and all was well once again.

Then, I saw my heart in the white cup. I saw how I was clogged and refusing to release because of layers of black vile that I didn’t even know were there. I saw how, if I weren’t for the crucified cleansing applied to me, I would still be layered in ash. How I wouldn’t have pure waters to flow. There is no way I could cleanse myself. The only thing I could do is accept the cleansing – as long as it took – until I was pure for goodness to flow again. And that cleaning needs to happen on a refulat basis to stay pure and healthy - not to wait until something appears wrong. By then it could be far too late and very dangerous. I could have mixed black water with brewed coffee and never known the difference. If vile becomes my normal, then it's too late. Ash accumulates over time – it’s not preventable, but it is cleanable. I’m not replaceable, but I am redeemable.

Unfortunately, the only way to know the inner chambers are vile is for pressure to reveal the release – or in this case – the blockage. Sometimes, what looks like frustration is actually a protection. It’s all in perspective. If the results aren’t coming forth, perhaps I need to examine the heart’s condition and rectify. The cleansing isn’t pretty – in fact, it’s pretty disgusting. But persistence pays off and the results are glorious! Nothing greater than clean and coffee!

Kitty Kisses

“When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud; then they forgot me.” Hosea 13:6

Cats are famously elusive. As an understatement. It’s a well-known trait they come when they want (particularly when the temptation is tuna). My home graces the presence such royalty. She’s not even mine, but belongs to my roommate. So, I am not the hand that feeds her, but burrows into her fur. I have no lure, only love. I am in no way responsible for her feedings or well-being. I am not one who monitors her health or checks her into vet visits. Still, she doesn’t seem to favor one over the other. She is an equal opportunity giver of attention or rejection. There is no coaxing or convincing her to be more socially present. She remains exactly where she wants to be – which is generally at a distance – until she decides otherwise. Her choice at any given moment. 

Maybe it’s her nocturnal nature, but she tends to remain aloof until the very last moment before I retire for the night. Just moments before, as if she feels a change in the mood, she appears for her strokes of affection. Upon occasion, she returns the favor with affections of her own: kitty kisses. Paw pats. Then in the twitch of a whisker, she’s back to being elusive and aloof. She doesn’t necessarily want you to pursue her for more time and presence; she will let you know the next time she appears and bows to receive ear rubs. I continually remind her, “The love is always here for you, if you will just come and receive. But you choose. You always choose.”

All of life centers around the cat. Her beloved owner spends spare moments researching the best foods and medical attention; checking on her whereabouts and not so secretly longing for her to come close. Conversations always come back to the cat. She is her human’s heart’s desire – with such care, longing and love. Everyone who grafts a pet into their home and heart knows this beautiful communion of unconditional love at its height.

Yet again, God speaks in these moments and asks of me what He’s asked each heart from the first breath in time: Who is my heart? Who do I look for in each spare moment and long to be close to me? Who is the center of my conversations because they are the center of my heart? Do I remain elusive to my true God and Love, denying myself love as the proud controller of my choices? Do I only come with the lure of provision? Do I only occasionally give myself to intimate moments of affection? Do I only bow to accept the same affection for my own secret bliss?

Ultimately, God gives me both breath to live and choice to love. He is my Creator and ultimate Controller of all, especially me. Though He pursues, He doesn’t press. He waits, for I am the one to choose relationship. So simply and powerfully, the truth reminds as constant as the air breathed: “The love is always here for you, if you will just come and receive. But you choose. You always choose.”

Casting Bowl

Cast all your anxiety on him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

God made a covenant with anyone who would agree with Him: if you truly give me your concerns, without meddling and fixing, I will involve myself in your concerns. Typical of God throughout His Word: "here’s My promise for your sacrifice." Sometimes the greatest sacrifice is surrendering control to the Invisible. It’s not a magic bowl that makes problems disappear. It’s a sacrificial bowl of trust that gives God my life in the most practical way. It can be a bowl, it can be a teacup. It's not the container; it's the surrender. Completely let go.

Jesus said, according to your faith, so shall it be. It doesn’t mean that I sit back and do nothing; it means that I actively give to him in faith. Miracles have come because of this faith. Not always as we ask or expect, but they come. He is a God who partners with us in our need, according to our true heart.

My friend Debbie whose sister had been diagnosed with cancer for the third time, placed her sister’s cancer diagnosis in the bowl. Literally, wrote the diagnosis on a card and placed before God in a bowl. The day of her sister’s treatment was to begin, there was no cancer. Glory to the God of Human Cells.

A friend Karen placed her daughter’s divorce in the bowl and God provided a lawyer to represent her. The same friend placed her other daughter’s estranged marriage in the bowl and God restored them. She even placed her child's apartment into the bowl and watched God move from eviction to ownership. Incredible God! 

A friend placed her broken phone in the bowl and God provided a phone with $500 in accessories.

It’s our needs, large and small, given to God in faith. With an expectation and open hands that God will be God. Most of all, He builds our faith based on HIM, not on ourselves or our circumstances. Sometimes it may immediate or it may take a while, that’s part of trusting God to be God with us.

It’s a lifestyle of trust and faith. It’s ordinary everyday people, just like those in Scripture, that come to know the God who meets us face to Face in the middle of our messes. Living Scripture – then and now – that walk with a living God and trust Him in the details of our days.

What do you surrender to the bowl before the God?

Voice

"You who dwell in the gardens, with friends in attendance, let Me hear your voice." Song of Songs 8:13

So many times I have silently ached and desired to hear a friend’s voice. I know the frustration of the silence. Sometimes there is no reception. Sometimes there is no connection. Sometimes eternal separation. I am the only aware of my desperation; the other is oblivious. Sometimes, as it appears, I am the one oblivious. It never occurs to me that someone wants to hear MY voice. Humbly and beautifully, I am reminded by an evening call: “I called…just because I wanted to hear your voice.”

In my world of words on a page or a screen, voice of another is a level of connection that I struggle to believe is the Reality of my heart. More and more these days, for each of us, the screen rapidly replaces our voices. Sometimes, there are so many voices we cannot quiet long enough for connection. There is a balance between - in the intimate connection of voice, just between two loves – however the relationship may be.

The heart’s passion raises the voice’s volume. Do I place volume to my vulnerability to be known most intimately in a voice to voice conversation? Often the page seems safer; more desired. Sometimes my voice is a need; sometimes my voice is want – depends on the listener and the relationship. Yet, when it comes to the heart – who listens? To whose voice do I lean into to hear? Believe.

“You want my words and my voice. You want my laughter and my love. You want my attention and affection. You know my every moment, façade, dream and desire. You know my heart and mind and still want me unwavering. You call for a constant conversation; our language calls prayer. You call for my belief beyond all I know and feel to trust You and speak with You. You ask for me as I am to be with You as You Are.”

He calls because He just wants to hear my voice. We speak.

Click to Listen: Speak to Me